Selfishness and the Christian

Introduction

Imagine you’re walking in a small city area, one where homeless people frequently hang out with signs, and you see someone handing out lunches. What would you think of that person? Probably that they’re a really selfless person. After all, there are a thousand ways they could spend their time, but they gave it up to do something for which they will receive nothing in return.

Now, what would you think if I told you that person you’re watching is doing it because it makes them feel good about themselves? What if I told you that they’re doing it because they know God will reward them? Because they just want to see the smiles of gratitude on the faces of the men and women they’re helping? Would you still think they’re selfless? Most people, if they discovered this was the motivation for the act of helping another person, would feel or even say that the reason is selfish and therefore will feel conflicted over how to view what has been done. But how many of us could say we view what this person actually did as an unkind thing? Or as a selfish thing? Would any of us say that the motivations themselves are actually bad reasons? Most of us wouldn’t. But most would still call the reasons or motivations selfish or self-centered. After all, the person did it for themselves, not for the people who are beneficiaries of the kindness done.

The conflict here, for most people and especially Christians, is that the motive is selfish–and they have been taught to believe “selfish” or “self-centered” is one of the worst evils for a person short of murdering, committing adultery, or stealing (everyone’s list is a little different)–but the act itself is good and even kind. How can the two be reconciled? I would submit to you that we need to take a better look at the term selfish and understand both how we are defining it and how it should actually be defined. Then we need to assess, as believers, what the Bible has to say about it.

How Most People Use “Selfish” and “Selfishness”

The first way people use the words “selfish”, “selfishness”, or “self-centered” is as descriptors for a person who does not think of other people first but is instead focused on themselves. This is a decent way to define the term, but they also attach a bad connotation to it. So they don’t necessarily simply mean that a person is focusing on their own wants over another’s but more that the person they term “selfish” refuses to exist for the sake of others or else allows their wants to take priority over any sort of ethics or moral code that would restrain them from behaving in any way they please no matter how horrible. As we illustrated above, however, it is inaccurate to use the term this way because, while it is certainly true that a selfish person may do harm in this way, the term selfish itself may also be applied when a person has done a wonderful thing but has done it for their own sake or to gain something–even if that thing is not material.

The second way it is used–which is an inaccurate description of the person it is used on in nearly every case–is as a guilt trip and a blame tactic on those who won’t do whatever the person using it wants. I myself have had this use of it leveled on me time and again. Why? Usually because someone wanted something from me that I wasn’t willing (or obligated) to offer, and when I wouldn’t, they found all assortment of nasty terms to use on me. But usually, the very first one they go for is selfish. Why is that? I would submit to you it is because of the first use of the term: people view it as a negative word. So those using it as a manipulation tactic recognize that most people don’t want to be called selfish. Most people don’t want other people to view them as selfish either, so it’s an incredibly useful bargaining chip because you can protest as much as you like that you aren’t selfish, but the only way you’ll ever prove it to these people is by capitulating to their commands, sacrificing your individual needs or wants for theirs, and ignoring (in many cases) common sense and reason to give them what they want. This is the worst sort of use of the word because those who use it never need any evidence of wrong-doing due to a selfish outlook. The only proof they need point to is your unwillingness to do whatever they please.

This is particularly harmful within the Christian community because many people look at Scriptures that say we should serve others and try to say that means we have to be selfless (which usually means “erase whatever you want and exist for the service of others”). I have seen so many people who are miserable because they’ve fallen into this mindset and believe that being a good Christian requires them to ignore common sense, conscience, reason, and even Scripture in the name of “serving” others. We’ll discuss why the Bible doesn’t support this view in a moment, but the point here is that this second use is one I spend more time on because it tends to be the most harmful and is, by far, the most disgusting use of the term.

Fortunately, this only works on people who believe that “selfishness” is always a bad thing. So if we go to Scripture and examine what the Bible has to say about a “self-centered” attitude and how to approach it, we are at less risk of falling prey to those who seek to twist Scripture and the term to assert their will over others. Additionally, those who use the term this way should cause you, as an individual, to sit up and pay attention. They are the sorts of people you do not want to be involved with because every time you turn around, they are going to demand you subject your will to theirs. You do not owe them that, and you never will as a Christian. Only God is owed that sort of loyalty.

The Proper Understanding of the Term “Selfishness”

As mentioned earlier, the first use of the word is much closer to the proper understanding than the second. Selfishness is, as defined by the Century Dictionary, “Selfish character, disposition, or conduct; exclusive or chief regard for one’s own interest or happiness.” In the example that I gave earlier, the person feeding the homeless is acting out of a chief regard for their own happiness. They may have considered the homeless person in deciding what they wanted to do, but their primary motivation was not the other person’s need. It was the happiness it brought them to meet another person’s need. Notice, though, that nothing is said about it always leading to exclusively bad behavior. The term only deals with a mindset which prioritizes a person’s own happiness.

For a Christian, would this attitude conflict with Scripture? I would argue it doesn’t. Why not? Let’s turn our attention to that next.

The Biblical Understanding of Selfishness

First of all, no one is denying that selfishness can lead to bad actions. But why does it lead to bad actions? Usually, it is because the person’s wants or desires are unrestrained by ethics or morals that would constrain them from behaving in a reprehensible or harm-inducing way toward others. But the Bible recognizes mankind as motivated largely by rewards and their own happiness. Consider what God continually says about serving others as a way to show Him we love Him. Below, I’ve put down just a few verses, and I’ve bolded the reasons we do these things as well as what God tells us we get out of it.

Mark 9:41 “For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward.“

1 Peter 4:10-11 “As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. If any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God; if any man minister, let him do it as of the ability which God giveth: that God in all things may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom be praise and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.”

Proverbs 11:25 “The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.”

Proverbs 19:17 “He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the LORD; and that which he hath given will he pay him again.“

Luke 6:38 “Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.”

Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

2 Chronicles 15:7 “Be ye strong therefore, and let not your hands be weak: for your work shall be rewarded.”

1 John 3:17-22 “But whoso hath this world’s good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him? My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God. And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.”

By now, I hope the pattern is becoming obvious. There are many more examples of this, but time and again, when God gives us a command, He also issues a promise of benefit because we served Him. That is the pattern. Over and over. We don’t serve others because we exist for their service. We serve them for two reasons: because we love our God and obedience to His command to love or serve shows that and because it benefits us. Over and over, God promises to reward us for doing what He has asked. Those rewards come in many, many forms, but the consistent pattern is that we are blessed for doing what He asks. So rather than discouraging us from doing things for the blessing, it seems that God Himself condones it. He uses it to offer a motivation to do as He asked, to make His yoke (or burden) lighter to bear, and to make it a joy to serve.

The Selfish Christian is a Joyful Christian

Yes, I know. That sounds so oxymoronic. But is it? Let’s ask, what would a selfish Christian look like? It would be a Christian whose primary concern is their own benefit. But what would make a Christian who is selfish different from a worldly person who is selfish? The walk they have with God, as it happens. How can you live in accord with Scripture and still live based on your desires? By aligning your desires with His. This would mean that you could always serve Him joyfully and willingly without any sense of a burden of duty entering the picture while also doing what you desire. Obviously, none of us will ever be able to do this perfectly, but that’s part of the battle. There is always going to be a fight between the sinful nature that is dead because of Christ’s saving of us, but if we are walking in step with God, we will have every thing we need to fight that fight and win.

Do Most Christians Have Something an Outsider Would Want?

Let me ask you to consider something. Do you see much joy in the way most Christians live? If you were an outsider, would you see people who are happy, fulfilled, and genuinely able to share with you a testimony that brings God glory? Or do you hear a whole lot of talk about duty and rules? How often have you heard someone say “Well, it isn’t what I want, but if it’s God’s will, then His will be done”? Maybe most aren’t even that honest about it. The more trite saying is “This is what I want, but God, do whatever is your will” or some other variant. Usually, the underlying attitude is not one of surrender but one of irritation or frustration because they want things their way but know it’s not aligned with God’s. This isn’t always the case, but frequently, that is the attitude. How often have you met a Christian who viewed serving God as a genuine joy instead of a list of commandments they had to follow? Most Christians (those who are trying to follow the Bible, at least) that I’ve meet, even if they do have moments of joy in serving God, have a mentality that focuses on the rules, and they feel that if they just follow the rules, then that’s serving God. They have a mentality of sacrifice rather than a mentality of seeking their own joy in the relationship they have with God. This mentality of sacrifice leads them to obey commands they dislike out of a spirit of grudging duty (the Bible says it, so I guess I have to follow it) if they choose to heed that portion of Scripture at all.

What sort of life is that? If that’s what Christianity is, I for one want no part of it. It isn’t attractive at all. At best, I am miserable trying to follow a laundry list of commands so that I can feel like I’m serving God. At worst, I am a hypocrite because I tell others to follow Scripture, but as soon as a command I don’t like pops up, I conveniently forget it. Both are equally unattractive and worthless. This attitude of sacrifice as the first thing we go to is detrimental and, in short, entirely unBiblical in the way that it is promoted.

A More Selfish Way? Could That Be Better?

So if that doesn’t work, what does? Seeking after our own joy, but not in the temporary fulfillment of the world. We are selfish in that we are seeking our own happiness, yes, but we are seeking delight in God. What happens when delighting in God is your first focus? Well, first of all, no one intentionally does things to jeopardize a friendship they care about. They will take actions not only to strengthen it but also to listen to the other individual so that they can remove from their end anything that might hinder it. What does that look like when the relationship or friendship we want is with God? We will no longer find obeying to be a laundry list. Instead, we’re going to gladly and willingly look at what He has told us not to do if we want to keep fellowship with Him and then strive to remove those so they aren’t in the way. We’re also going to look at what He has asked us to do, and we’re going to do it happily because we want to do them to show Him how much He means to us. This isn’t a whole lot different from how we would treat relationships in our lives that we want to continue having, now is it? For most of us, this is natural. But if we really think about it, while we may be considering the other person’s desires and may make them our own because of a greater desire to hold onto the friendship, we still don’t erase ourselves from the equation. We are not selfless. Our “self” still factors into the equation. If there is no concept of “I”, how can there truly be a relationship?

When it comes to a relationship with God, when our chief motive is to delight in Him, we can understand the Psalms much better because we too will be able to tell God that He is our chief delight. Not what He promises to give us. Not anything we may get out of it, though no one would complain about those things. No, instead, the reward we are seeking is that intimate, close relationship with God that we understand we can only have if we want Him more than anything else, including what He can give us. This is not the mentality of the church today. In fact, people who live this way are often labeled radicals, selfish, unChristlike, and doctrinally dangerous. Which is a shame because everywhere you look in the Bible, the command is to rejoice in God and to make Him our delight. If we did that, we’d find Christianity like it should be: a joy, not a burden. Consider the command in Psalm 37:4 (another command with a promise) “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”

We are told to delight ourselves in God. And what usually happens when you delight in something? You want that thing or that person. You start to align yourself however it takes to get it. Which then allows the second part of the verse to be true. God won’t grant us sinful, wicked desires, so the only way this second part with a promise can be true is if we do the first so that our desires will be aligned with what is pure, right, and His will. Then He is able to give us the desires of our heart. And not only does He give us those desires, but when we delight in Him, it isn’t one-sided! Look at what Zephaniah says in Zephaniah 3:17: “The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.” God also rejoices over us when we are walking in step with Him.

The Verdict on Selfishness?

Given all of that, what should the verdict be on selfishness? First of all, unrestrained self-focus is not a good thing. However, we are created as individuals, and we will answer to God for our lives as individuals. So erasing ourselves and living for everyone else’s whims and purposes is not an option. Our responsibility before God to make our own decisions isn’t mitigated if we do choose to cease acknowledging the “I” in the equation. You won’t stand before God’s throne someday and point the finger at someone else to say, “I know I didn’t do the best thing or what You called me to, but I did it because You said to serve others, and this person wanted it, so I did it.” That isn’t going to hold water because you are judged on your choices and actions. Even in cases where other people’s wants might not be bad, it doesn’t mean that doing what they want is the right thing for you. And if you’re living for others, you are going to end up doing a whole lot of things that are not the right thing for you as an individual seeking God’s will. Let me give a few examples to illustrate areas where a person existing for others would differ from a person living for their happiness in God:

1. You have a friend who is headed down a different path than you are philosophically and in their life goal. They want you to live for their sake. Maybe they are the sort of person who defines “selfish” as we explained in the second definition or maybe they aren’t, but they’ve made it clear they don’t think you should part ways. You know that you need to focus on your own journey and they are, unfortunately, dragging you away from that. A person who lives for others would continue the friendship as it was or however the friend wanted it in order to please them because they feel to do otherwise would be a wrong thing because it is selfish. However, a person living for their happiness in God is going to first consider whether that friend is going to help them to do that or hinder them. If they have grown through the course of the friendship and now have the wisdom to see that person will hinder them, they are going to do what it takes to part ways as kindly possible or to make sure that, at the least, it is not a close one depending on the situation and the person they are dealing with. It doesn’t mean they will be unkind or unnecessarily harsh, but they will make it clear to the other individual that they will not stay with things as they are and do not wish further association.
2. You’ve been asked to go somewhere with a friend. The place or event you’re asked to isn’t, in and of itself wrong, but you feel that it isn’t right for you on a personal level. A person living for the sake of others will go anyway and rationalize it away by focusing on what the others want. A person living for the sake of their happiness in God will refuse because they will view the personal boundaries they have placed for the sake of that happiness as more important than the wants or desires of other people. It won’t matter that they could lose a friend in some cases or that others might mock them for holding to that conviction. They will do it anyway, and in the end, even if what’s being said hurts a little, they’ll come to a point where they let go of that hurt because they stood for what they wanted: happiness and delight in God.
3. A situation has come up that requires you to decide between telling someone the truth knowing it will probably hurt or upset them and keeping quiet or lying about it to avoid hurting them. You know that telling the truth will give them an opportunity to grow if they choose to take it, but if you don’t say anything or lie, you are allowing them to continue as they are without that chance, which might mean that area causes them grief later. A person living for the sake of others will try to spare the other individual that pain. They will avoid the issue or even tell little white lies, rationalizing their lies by telling themselves the other person needs them to lie. A person living for the sake of their happiness in God will recognize two things: one, they must tell the truth no matter how hard because it is what is best for their relationship with God, and two, they must tell the truth because God calls them to love others in truth and honesty, which means that if they lied to that other individual, they would not be loving them at all. Making that choice might cost them. The other person may get angry, call them names, mistreat them, hate them, even speak ill of them. But in the end, they will stand on the truth anyway because their delight in God and holding onto that mattered far more than any other relationship ever could.

Hopefully, you’re seeing how this difference in philosophies or worldviews can have some really big practical implications. I used these because I’ve actually seen others choose to live for others in these areas or stand for their relationship and delight in God first, but also because each of these are areas where I have personally had to stand up and often lost something. For those still unsure, having lived through things like the examples above, I can tell you that it is worth so much more to have that focus on delight in God than the other will ever be worth. I’ve also had moments where I did live for the sake of others in some way. I’ve often told people that the reason I got into accounting was because I was trying to please my dad and make him proud. Now, while there was still something I wanted in there, my main focus was not on “I want to make him proud” but on “if I don’t choose something he wants instead of what I want, then he’ll be upset and disappointed, and I don’t want that.” What I actually wanted never factored in. I paid the price. And I learned the hard way why no one can live happily by erasing themselves to please others. So I have been both places, even if not to the extent as I’ve seen others live in the mindset of “selflessness” and living for others. Having experienced both, I have never been happier than I have been since learning that I had to live as an individual, for myself and my relationship with God, not for anyone else.

Conclusion

I have done my best here to illustrate that the Biblical model encourages a reward-driven mindset, particularly as it relates to seeing God as our highest reward and delight. If the Bible ignored the side of man’s nature that is rewards driven, it would not have everything we needed for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). But it is true to God’s promise that it has all we need, and it addresses us as whole people by both showing us how we can live doing the things we do because it makes us happy and still serve God and do the right thing. What it reveals is the concept of finding pleasure in someone else’s pleasure. When we find our delight (or our pleasure) in doing things for the God we love, we both live for our happiness and live in alignment with all God has asked of us. None of us will do it perfectly. Those of us more naturally inclined to selfishness are going to have to watch carefully and listen carefully for the Holy Spirit to convict and guide to help us to avoid doing things because we want them so much we can justify them even if they do not align with His will. We have to work a little more to look at the precepts, principles, and patterns of God’s Word and then to consciously work with the Holy Spirit to align ourselves and our wants with that. But those who are more inclined toward existing for the sake of others have to learn to place their minds and hearts on God, not to view others’ needs or wants as a demand on them purely because it is another’s desire, and to avoid allowing others’ needs or demands to come between them and their own search for delight in God and their relationship with Him. Neither is an easy battle. But we have to fight it if we truly want to do as the Bible says and delight in God.